Swan Lake

Do you ever feel that there's a song that describes the insides and out of yourself?

Well I do, and I couldn't think of a song that describes myself any better than Swan Lake: Scène.

Personally I think that I have a brilliant mind with destructive emotions. When combined together it creates chaos and brings the worse of me. I can do everything with such grace, with great technique, but can make it bitter with my emotions.

I tend to let my emotions get the best of me and I shouldn't. My method of coping with it is either drink it away, smoke it away, or loath it away. None of those methods are great with coping with my emotion/problems, but I do them anyways.

I feel that this song describes me perfectly because it shows the complexity inside of me. On the outside everyone may think that I'm perfectly fine with my grace and technique. Although looks are deceiving, on the inside I'm tormenting myself with what I hold back, my thoughts, my emotions, and all my resentment.

It doesn't take that long for me to explode completely and although I shouldn't hold everything in, I still do. Once things start getting overwhelming, I release everything and people are amazed with what's inside.

In the the hope of releasing everything that is inside of me, I want someone to notice and offer to help.

That has yet to happen.

DPM

Daydreaming

Don't you ever spend part of your day wondering where has time gone?

I do all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I ever spent my time wisely these past 19 years. I try to remember my first vivid memory, the first one I can remember would be when I turned 3.

Hitting my Barney piñata and being pushed into my Barney cake (I know, but I was 3) seeing all my family together, getting along, smiling. Not everything is the same now...

The past 7 or so birthdays things have changed tremendously, having a few family members pass away has cause bitterness in my family. Siblings no longer getting only, feud over who gets what, and just distancing from one another.

Sometimes I wish they could just put their bitterness for one another down and be united like a strong family. I hate seeing people argue, especially family.

I know that if I ever have family, I will never be apart from my sister or be in some sort of argument with family members. I want to show my children that FAMILY IS EVERYTHING!

DPM

Oh, hey there!

I'm back!

I know I haven't blogged since I have started school... And trust me there is much to say.
It was a rough semester with ups and downs, but I somehow survived.  There were many things that happened throughout the semester, but I rather not talk about it. There are plenty of things I wish to talk about, but that will be in the upcoming days.

I'm just thankful to be back in Chicago with my friends and family.

DPM

Goodbye again, but not for long

As the days approach, I'm more and more excited to go return to school. My other schoolmates complain to the thought of school. But honestly its the only thing that keeps me sane. I probably sound selfish when you hear this, but I can't stand being with my parents at all. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but we just don't get along for the life of us. We both have different mindsets and often bump heads cause we constantly disagree with one another. 

Because of this problem, I decided to leave far from Chicago and create some distance from them. As much as the begged to at least go to a school in Michigan or Indiana, that didn't changed my mind because I knew I would find home somewhere far from them. 

I ended up in Pennsylvania, and I love it. It's been almost a year since I left Chicago and took on a new adventure to a place I ended up calling home. I love it and I miss it. It's the only place where I feel tranquil, with no worries, with nothing holding me down. 

Although I hate to leave the city where I was born and raised, I know that's for the best. I leave behind my friends, family, and memories I created in the city that has my heart. I won't be long Chicago, I'll be back before you know it.

You were kind to me now be kind to the people in my city, Chicago.

DPM

Say what you need to say....

People always say, speak your mind, say what you need to say. But what if you ignore what I said.

That what happens to me all the time, people always ask me what's wrong when I look troubled. Once I start speaking, they totally ignore me like if they didn't ask me what's wrong.

I always keep my thoughts to myself to avoid troubling others with my problems. I just bottle up my emotions for so long, I pop. I explode all my emotions out and then people ask why didn't I say anything earlier. 

At this point I given up trusting people with my feelings and soon became my own therapist. It may sound crazy but it works because you let it out. Write it out on paper, record yourself talking about the issue, letting it out is so much better than bottling it in.

I have bottled in my emotions for so long that I soon started to go into depression, full of anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. At one point I came so close to ending it all, but myself conscience began talking me out of (I know this sounds insane). I put the pills down and began to cry because of how low I have steeped. Never again did I hold my thoughts within myself thats when I began writing, first in my journal and now here. 

I guess I did this to show people that they're not alone. To show myself that I'm not alone, although few people read this. Seeing that maybe someone has the compassion and time to read what I'm going through give me motivation to keep going through this adventure we call life.

Don't get me wrong there are some nights where my own thoughts trouble me, I stay up dwelling upon my problems. I pull out my journal and write, write everything that I want to say. Once I'm done writing out my thoughts, I burn them. There's not one single page in my journal that have my thoughts on them because I rather burn them than to open my journal and be reminded that I wrote that out of whatever emotion I was having. And it feels good to open that journal everytime and see that theres a new clean cover page waiting to be written and nothing in that book is there to remind you of what you have been through. In a sense it feels like a clean slate.

Just remember say what you need to say because your life is more important than dwelling over ones problems.

DPM

Burning Bridges

I'm not the kind of person to break ends with another person, but this had to be done.

I could no longer tolerate this person any longer. He would just causally text me whenever he was bored, and I as a naive person would answer back. I finally caught on to his game and treated him to a taste of his own medicine.

It felt good along the process.

Many of you may ask "Why do this? What does one gain from doing that?"

Let me tell you, it liberates you from people that are just intoxicating your life with negative vibes. After I have cut this person out of my life, I feel so much better about myself because I don't have anyone criticizing me and nobody to impress but myself.  

I don't feel anything weighing me down since I cut this person off. Yes, there are occasions that I feel like I was the asshole in the situation, but sometimes you have to be an asshole in order to free yourself from the burden of others.  

I always say this to myself, In the end of the day you have nobody but yourself. And it's true, because in the end of time it will just be yourself.

DPM

Different Views

Have you had extremely different view from a close friend of yours and wondered "How are we even friends?" Well that's me. My friend and I, whom I've dated before, have completely different views on how we see life.

I see myself as a person that is very ambitious and will do whatever it takes to get where I want to be in life (although it sometimes bites back, but its worth it). Because of my ambitions, I have gotten farther than most of my friends.

He on the other hand, is a conformist. He settles for less. He tackles life as it comes to him. As Gatsby said in F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, The Great Gatsby "[His] voice is full of money" and it is honestly. All he thinks about is obtaining money.

Money is important, don't get me wrong but it shouldn't be your first thing to tackle. I believe education is the foundation to success. Without that, one would get lost in the process of becoming what one wishes to be in the future.

Well the story goes we hung out as friends, nothing else nothing more. By the end of night he had a couple of drinks and I was looking out for him. All of a sudden, he say that he see us being married. At that moment I didn't pay much attention of what he was saying because obviously he was drunk. Later that night after I drove him home, the thought of being married overcame me. Kept me up for most of the night, it has never cross my mind of us becoming more than just a couple. Although we dated for a while, the idea of love never really came up while I was with him. Yes, there was points in our relationship that I wanted to say "I love you" but I didn't want to say it just causally, I wanted it to have an emotional attachment that was sincere. The thought of loving someone else scared me, quite frankly.

I kept what had happened in my mind for a month, until I had the courage to confront him about. "Why do you think that we'll be married in the future." He didn't address my question, instead he asked why did I take so long to bring up the topic. Honestly I hate approaching situations like these, I'm not good with expressing how I feel. I told him that I was scared to talk about it and that I don't think that I want to get married.

The rest of the afternoon he kept quiet, I guess that was the answer he needed to know that I was no longer interested in him.

DPM